YOU CAN TURN THIS
MUSIC OFF IF YOU CHOOSE BUT I THINK YOU WILL
LIKE IT
Hi my name is Lexi. I am a high school
senior here on the east
coast.
This is my"I LOVE MY CHICKEN"
auction.
PLEASE CLICK ANY PICTURE TO WATCH THIS
AUCTION
I LOVE MY CHICKEN
Another Short Story By
Lexi
(Thats an
understatement)
This chicken has always been real special
to me. He has had an honored place in my
room ever since the day I brought him
home.
You see it all started like this.
Everyone has always wondered why the chicken
crossed the road. Scholars and great people for
centuries have discussed the answer to that
question. People have made jokes about it and
others have said it is an impossible
question to answer. I for one have always
believed it was simply to get to the other side.
Now I am not so sure.
You see its like this. The girls and I
were out one day. Just cruising because Christi
had gotten a new car. Anyway, we were heading
down Main Street and there was a small traffic
jam. That is unusual in our town because it is
only a few blocks long. Also nobody drives more
than 20 mph so there is no chance it was an
accident. They were there though, a bunch of
people looking at something and holding up
traffic. We girls were stopped anyway and so we
decided to walk up and see what was going on. We
were all the way at the back of the traffic jam
and had to walk about 4 car lengths to see what
they were looking at in front.
There they were a pretty large group of
people looking at something. Old timers from the
county mostly. There was Ms Louis the town
librarian, there was Mr Floyd who owned the 100
year old Pharmacy that everyone was stopped
in front of, even Curtis the guy who sells hot
dogs in front of the court house was
there. Old Mr Jamison who owned the
big farm just outside of town, us five
girls and a few other people whose
names may come up later were all there
too.
Its the kinda place where anyone who has
been here for more than a month knows each
other even though you may have never spoken. A
lot of head nods happened and then a few of
us girls moved forward to see what they
were all looking at. It was this poor chicken.
We all jumped back a foot and lightly screamed
not sure what it was. Then we inched
forward.
Everyone was looking at us by now. We
were a pretty large group and we had just made
our grand entrance. Was that a bird? a
cat? What was that? Uh oh It
was a poor motionless chicken who was lying near
the gutter. Was it real ? It wasnt moving but it
didnt look hurt. Was it real? We inched
closer. Was it real?
Thats when Ms Louis the town librarian
said "You girls move away from there. Dont
you know you can catch a disease getting that
close to a dead animal". Then Mr Jamison
who owned the farm said "That chicken is still
fresh. He dont have no disease".
Right after that Mr Floyd who had the pharmacy
right where all the traffic was stopped said
"Dont worry. A little penicilin, you'll be good
as new. I have some if you need it".
Curtis the hot dog guy said "They sure cook up
good".
Becky who was with me and gave $5 to
a PETA person just last summer couldnt stand it.
She stepped forward and said "Everyone get back
we need the SPCA". As Becky did that she
was getting dramatic. Becky does
that. She stepped back and tripped on the
bird. When she did it her foot swung and the
bird went flying out into the crowd. Most
everyone jumped. Farmer Jamison wasnt even fazed
when it landed on his foot stiff and hard like
it was stuffed. Thump.
Farmer Jamison reached down slow
and put out one of his big bear paw
type hardened hands towards the carcass. He got
closer and it didnt budge. It was clean and he
just grabbed at it firm and he held on. It still
didnt budge and Mr Jamison held it up high.
"This aint real. This bird is
stuffed!" Jamison said. "I have held
birds before and this one is
stuffed".
We all looked at each other with a sigh
of relief and then we all went closer to
look. He was right. The feathers are real. It
looks real. It is as nice a fake chicken as you
will find. The little wires sticking out of the
bottom of its feet should have tipped us off but
we hadnt even noticed them.
Farmer Jamison said "Here Ms Louis you
can display it in the Library. Its the chicken
that crossed the road". Ms Louis said "First of
all it did not cross the road and second dont
you know you can get diseases from touching a
dead animal?" Then she said "Why dont you
keep it Mr Jamison. Your a farmer". "Not
me" Jamison said "Its liable to scare the real
chickens into not laying eggs. How about you Mr
Floyd?" Mr Floyd who owned the pharmacy
said "I dont think my parents would have
approved". Then he held it out towards Curtis
the hot dog guy. Curtis reached out and squeezed
the chicken and then he decided it was in no
condition to cook. "I dont think I can use it Mr
Jamison" Curtis said.
Thats when the crowd all looked at us.
"Here girls you can have it" Jamison said. We
all took a step back and looked at each other
and the next thing you know the stuffed chicken
was in my hands.
He did feel kinda nice. His real feathers
were soft. He has a cute little twinkle in his
eye. I instantly fell in love with the chicken
and decided I would take him home. The crowd
dispersed and we all went about our business. I
of course now had a chicken in my
lap.
The day was pretty uneventful after that.
Us girls cruised a little more and
eventually it was time to go home. I was the
last to be dropped off. When we pulled into my
street we could see cars lining both sides of
the road. As we got closer to my house we could
see a crowd standing out front. Who were all
those people?
Well I soon found out. As our car
pulled to the curb almost the whole town swarmed
us. It was like being a movie star pulling into
a crowd of Paparazi. The crowd was noisy and
over it all we could hear comments like
"Look its Lexi", "She has the chicken" "It does
look real". I could almost not get out of the
car because they were peering into the windows
and pushed up tight on all sides.
When I got out there were groping hands
reaching at me from all sides. They wanted to
touch the chicken and feel his feathers to
confirm how lifelike it actually was. Little
kids pushed up from below and jumped to touch
the chicken. They all wanted to see and
feel that chicken.
It turns out that as the towns business
had gone on during the day the news had spread.
Everyone who went into the library was instantly
told by Ms Louis "Lexi caught the
chicken who crossed the road right here on main
street". Everyone who stopped into the pharmacy
that day heard a similar story from Mr
Floyd. Curtis told everyone who bought a hot dog
that he was a witness and had almost gone
into the barbecue chicken business. Mr Jamison
had told all the good ole boys at the feed &
grain store. Everyone who heard the story had
gone home and told everyone else they crossed
paths with that day. The whole town ended up at
my house.
Well I couldnt ignore them. I felt
obligated to make a speech or something. I
pushed my way through the crowd and managed to
get to the front porch. Then I turned and
addressed the crowd covering my yard. "This is
the chicken that crossed the road" I said. "This
chicken was given to me and until someone claims
him he is mine. I promise to keep him safe and
give him a good life until that day comes".
With that I turned and walked
inside.
When I got to my room I peered through a
crack in my curtains and the crowd was still
there. They were not going to leave. They were
all talking and just sort of waiting like
something was going to
happen.
Then my phone rang. It was Carl Piper the
reporter from the Town Crier our weekly
newspaper. He said "Is this Lexi?" "Yes" I
responded. "Lexi I want to know all about it.
This is big news, What are your intentions? Tell
me what happened at the scene? Who was there
with you?" The questions just kept coming
and I didnt have answers that fast. I finally
said "Mr Piper, I am doing my homework right
now. I will have to call you back later." He
responded "Lexi wait. I have deadlines. You cant
keep this from me. I ..." Click. I hung up the
phone.
That very second my phone rang again. It
was my friend Becky. She said that when she got
home there was a note on the kitchen table
saying her parents had gone to my house. I told
her the whole town looked to be at my house.
They were all out front and the crowd seemed to
be getting larger. They all want to see the
chicken and hear all about how we had captured
it. I hung up from Becky and the phone rang
again and then again and then again. It wouldnt
stop and I finally had to just take it off the
hook.
Well as it got dark the crowd finally
thinned out some but I could see Carl Piper
still waiting in his car and a bunch of the more
adventurous people in town were still hanging
around. I couldnt go out. I was a prisoner. All
night as I tried to sleep I could hear voices
outside my window. Cars drove by and lights
shined on my house and in my
windows.
When I got up in the morning after a very
restless night I peeked throug the split in my
curtains and the crowd was gathering again. I
couldnt take it. This didnt look like it was
going to end. I spent the day inside cleaning
the chicken and making him presentable. I found
him a nice spot on my dresser and just tried to
ignore the people outside. The crowd thinned
some that day and more the next. I was inside
for a whole week and didnt answer the phone that
never stopped ringing.
One day about a week after we had found
the chicken, I caught Carl Piper looking in my
back window. I surprised him by asking "Mr
Piper, how would you like a picture of that
chicken for your paper?" He almost fell over.
"That would be great Lexi". I said "Here
is the deal, I want to post a picture of that
chicken on the front page of your paper with the
word FOUND above it. I dont want any reward I
just want it to go back to its owner so I can
get on with my life."
Mr Piper was thrilled. "Lexi, its a deal"
he said. He took a few pictures and ran
out of there more excited than I had ever
seen him before. All the way to his car he
yelled "I have pictures. Buy the paper this
week" That week the chicken was front page news.
Unfortunatly nobody called the paper to claim
him. Mr Piper sold so many papers that he agreed
to run it another week, and another and it was
the front page news in this town for
over a month. Mr Piper started an entire
column in his paper entitled "Chicken Nuggets".
Each week he would relay stories and gossip he
had heard about the now localy famous
chicken.
In the meantime the chicken and I stayed
hidden at home mostly. The few times I did
go out I was swarmed by people wanting to
know about the chicken. It was overbearing to go
out in public and that is not my style. I am not
a shy person at all but this was more than
anyone could take.
As a result I mostly stayed in and got to
know the chicken pretty well in those few weeks.
He is a really fun guy and does tons of neat
stuff. He is really good at impersonations and
loves to clown around. I am sure if he went to a
larger city where he wasnt so famous he would be
a great companion. We have run those ads in the
paper for weeks now and no one has claimed him.
I think it is time the chicken and I each
move on in life.
I have decided that to find his owner I
need to appeal to a larger audience than the
readers of Mr Pipers paper. That is why I am
listing him here on Ebay. Hopefully someone will
read this and recognize him. Even if the owner
isnt found I think as stated earlier he needs to
move away from here and slip into someone elses
town disguised in a box marked Priority Mail.
Then he could live out his remaining years in
peace. He has no chance of that here. As much as
I have grown to love him, he has to
go.
Please buy this
chicken.
He can tell some great jokes and does
some great impersonations.
Some Samples
VOTE
HERE
CHICKEN
EGG
WHICH
CAME FIRSTVOTE
PLEASE CLICK ANY PICTURE TO WATCH THIS
AUCTION
FROZEN CHICKEN
IMPERSONATION
HIS FAVORITE JOKE
Which came
first the chicken or the egg
?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on
its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off,
grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I
guess we finally answered "THAT
question!"
CHICKEN SOUP
IMPERSONATION
FAVORITE QUOTE
CHICKEN:
The only animal you can eat before its born or
after its dead.
FAVORITE DANCE
BAKED CHICKEN
IMPERSONATION
CHICKEN OF THE SEA
IMPERSONATION
PLEASE CLICK ANY PICTURE TO WATCH THIS
AUCTION
SOME NOTABLE ANSWERS TO THAT AGE OLD
QUESTION
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT YOUR OWN
ANSWERS
Then check back for
updates
Bob Dylan : How many roads must one chicken
cross?
Colonel Sanders : I missed one?
Dilbert : I hate it when the title gives away the
plot!
Howard Cosell : It may very well have been one of the
most astonishing events to grace the annals of
history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped
with the temerity to attempt such an Herculean
achievement formerly relegated to homo- sapien
pedestrians is truly a remarkable
occurrence.
Jack Nicholson : 'cause it (censored) wanted to. That's
the (censored) reason.
O.J. : It didn't. I was playing golf with it at
the time.
Mae West : I invited it to come up and see me
sometime.
Roseanne Barr : Burrrrrp.
What chicken?
Timothy Leary : Because that's the only kind of trip the
Establishment would let it take.
Zsa Zsa Gabor : It probably crossed to get a better look
at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good,
dahling
Aristotle : To actualize its potential.
B.F. Skinner : Because the external influences which had
pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it
to develop in such a fashion that it would tend
to cross roads, even while believing these
actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung : The confluence of events in the cultural
gestalt necessitated that individual chickens
cross roads at this historical juncture, and
therefore synchronicitously brought such
occurrences into being.
David Hume : Out of custom and habit.
George Washington : Actually it crossed the Delaware with me
back in 1776. But most history books don't
reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the
duration.
Hamlet : Because 'tis better to suffer in the mind
the slings and arrows of outrageous road
maintenance than to take arms against a sea of
on coming vehicles...
Johann Friedrich von Goethe :
The eternal hen-principle
made it do it.
Julius Caesar : To come, to see, to conquer.
Martin Luther King, Jr. : I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their
motives called into question.
Martin Luther King : It had a dream.
Neil Armstrong : One small step for chickenkind, one giant
leap for poultry.
Plato : For the greater good.
Richard M. Nixon : The chicken did not cross the road. I
repeat, the chicken did not cross the
road.
Ronald
Reagan : I don't recall.
Sigmund Freud : The chicken obviously was female and
obviously interpreted the pole on which the
crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol
of which she was envious,
selbstverstaendlich.
The Bible : And God came down from the heavens, and
He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the
road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
Moses : Know ye that it is unclean to eat the
chicken that has crossed the road and that the
chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its
own preservation.
Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your
own chicken nature.
A Nun : It was a
habit.
SOUTH
FLORIDA VOTER : The
chickens were clearly confused as to where the
dotted yellow line was leading. The only other
option was to cross the line, so they
did.
RALPH NADER :
Chickens are misled into
believing there is a road by the evil
tiremakers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our
society pays tiremakers to create the need for
these roads and then lures chickens into
believing there is an advantage to crossing
them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens.
Joseph Stalin : I don't care. Catch it. Crack its eggs to
make my omlette.
Karl Marx : It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion
and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons
of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2 : It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Darwin : It was the logical next step after coming
down from the trees.
Darwin 2: Chickens, over great periods of time,
have been naturally selected in such a way that
they are now genetically dispositioned to cross
roads.
President Clinton : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have
sexual relations with that
chicken.
PLEASE BUY THIS CHICKEN
BECAUSE CURTIS THE HOT DOG VENDER WANTS HIM BAD.
HE TOLD ME HE COOKS THE BEST CHICKEN AND GAVE ME
THIS PHOTO OF HIS LAST FRIED CHICKEN DINNER AS
PROOF.
PLEASE CLICK ANY PICTURE TO WATCH THIS
AUCTION
WHICH
CAME FIRST
VOTE
HERE
CHICKEN
EGG
WHICH
CAME FIRST
VOTE
HERE
AND
WATCH THIS AUCTION
The
winner of this auction will receive the stuffed
chicken pictured at the top and bottom of this
page. He is a life like chicken with real
feathers. He measures 11"
tall.
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Turbo Lister
On Dec-16-05 at 04:14:13 PST, seller
added the following information:
A Big THANKS To Everyone
Watching
This auction has been running 2 1/2 days
now and has had over 3600 people view it. It has
well over 100 watchers and I am certain if the
Pulse were not broken it would be
there.
EBAY FIX THE PULSE !
If you like this auction make sure the
next time you have an hour or so to blow you
check out my unlucky $13.13 bar bill auction.
That one is generating a similar response to
this auction.
IN ADDITION TO ALL YOU GREAT PEOPLE WHO
ARE WATCHING THIS AUCTION, THERE ARE SOME REALLY
GREAT WEBSITES THAT HAVE NOTIFIED ME THEY ARE
FEATURING IT
Click a picture above
to:
WATCH THIS AUCTION
You will be brought right back to this
page.
On Dec-21-05 at 15:25:36 PST, seller
added the following information:
UPDATE
Heres a new one for you in honor of my
present high bidder.
Why did the chicken
cross the road??
To get to the Golden
Palace !
THANKS GP FOR YOUR
BIDS.
See how much free publicity you get just
for bidding? Over 7700 people have viewed this
auction and 170 are watching. Great exposure.
Put your name on the list by bidding and help me
climb to the pulse by
watching.
Another one of my favorite websites
is watching
)
This
seller, auctionsbylexi, prefers PayPal.